How do I even begin?

I will be an orphan sooner than I thought.

As I’m writing this now, Dad is still in critical condition although his vitals are stable now. There’s nothing I can do other than sitting next to him and watch him breathe slowly. Doctor said that the CPR I did probably saved his life but this may occur again, and when it does, whether I want to resuscitate him. Their medical opinion is DNR as he would likely be intubated with a ventilator, causing him more pain and with little benefits to his quality of life.

My parents had me in their 40s so since young I’ve been afraid of losing them because they are much older than my friend’s parents. Ever since they fell ill, I’m mentally prepared for the day to come. But I realised that one can never be prepared for death.

Mum’s passing 4 years ago changed my life and how I view life. A part of me will never be the same again, it’s like my soul is eaten up. Mum was my pillar of strength and my best friend. I cried almost every night as I see her suffer. And the sadness continues even when she’s not around.

The first year, 2019, was extremely tough. I think it was equally tough on dad too even though he didn’t talk about it. And whenever I asked, he would brush it aside and say “what’s there to be upset, life’s like that.” It seemed he was coping well, but he’d continue his routine of buying breakfast for her and putting on the altar. I think this continued for one year plus until circuit breaker where we stopped him from going out.

After mum was gone, he took her PMA and gradually lost his strength to cycle. He would visit me almost daily on his PMA, buying the same food (carrot cake, wanton mee or chee cheong fun) from hougang green. He doesn’t know how to look after babies so sometimes I feel frustrated when he’s here as he can’t help me and I feel not at ease breastfeeding in front of him.

He remembers his first grandson well, as this is his only grandson before his dementia was officially diagnosed. Or maybe because he spent most time with him.

I would ask him to feed to make him feel useful. Thankful that my firstborn is an easy eater.